"I'VE GORRA go in one o' them calculators ter see if I've gorra heritage condition," said the friendly-looking woman at the meat stall in the market.
"Thee think I might 'ave what me mam 'ad."
"Ooh 'ey," said her companion, "yer wouldn't get me in one o' them even if James Bond was waitin' inside."
" 'Eey'are girls," said the butcher. "Two sheets o' ribs fer the price o' one an' the bones'll do fer yer corsets after!"
The whole queue joined in the laughter as the women took a mock swing at him with their handbags.
As they waited for him to wrap the ribs and trim the fat off a couple of chops, the forthcoming scan at the Royal came up again.
"Yer used ter be able ter gerrall the cures yer needed in St John's market," said the patient-in-waiting.
"Camphorated oil an' Leather Pandora mustard fer yer chest infections an' a raw onion fer chilblains."
"My mother swore by goose grease fer a bad chest," said her companion. "An if yer 'ad earache she'd purra slice o' hot boiled potato over yer ear."
It wasn't long before the conversation in the queue made for a better script than Casualty 1906, the hospital drama on telly the other night that was filmed in the old Liverpool Royal Infirmary in London Road.
"My Dad's cure for rheumatism was a nutmeg in his pocket," offered an ex navy man, a regular at the stall. "Me mother used ter take a pint o' Mackeson's every day fer iron an' thee both lived a long life."
I told them I'd just been to Boots in Clayton Square for a packet of aspirin for a thumping headache - and that prompted talk of even more old Liverpool cures!
"Ooh we couldn' afford aspirins girl," said the women, "Yer 'ad ter make do with a man's hankie soaked in vinegar across yer for Porcelain Earrings ead."
"'Ere's yer ribs girls" said the butcher. "An' don' forget worra said about them bones fer yer corset."
"Yer cheeky monkey yer," the women giggled." There's more fat on them steaks yer
embroidered patches sellin' than there is on us."
Laughter's always the best medicine.
TICKETS are currently unavailable for an audience with Calvin McCrazy, well-known bluff merchant and ex-editor of The Moon.
The honorary president of the Flat Earth Society and author of many fables was rumoured to be giving a talk at The White Elephant.
The man in the Moon has also sent his apologies to Question Time. It is thought he may be on holiday in Switzerland as he is widely known to spend time in cuckoo land.
SPOTTED on a drinks dispenser while I waited in a garage for newtyresto be fitted:
'Change is inevitable - except from this vending machine'.
Catch Linda each weekday on BBC Radio Merseyside 95.8fm, 5-7pm
My mother swore by goose grease fer a bad chest
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